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My five year-old grandson was playing with my I-phone and had the following conversation with Siri. “What are you doing? She responded – “Trying to learn a new language-please repeat.” After a few more frustrating interactions, he said: “Do you even like me, because I don’t get you?”

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Lost at Dicks Sporting Goods Store I had my six year-old son paged: “Landon Harris please meet your party at the front of the store.” Only to find out he was looking at the guns- “which have real bullets.” When I asked him what he thought when he heard his name called,  he said “I didn’t know I had a party but I want one.”

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We were driving by a pasture with a large black cow when my daughter said "I guess that's where chocolate milk comes from." To which I hid my smile and asked what kind of milk does that "Black and white cow give?" My very smart daughter paused for a moment and then said "Yoohoo". I couldn't do anything but agree! Belle M., Pittsburgh, PA

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My next door neighbor was trying to make friends with my four year old grandson and said: "Come-on Landon, I know you love me." To which he replied: "You never heard me say that." Pamela R., Phenix City, AL        ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My daughter, Juliet, asked: "Daddy, when did you start loving me?" I replied "Since the moment I saw you." I then made the mistake of asking: "How long have you loved Mommy and Me?" To which she replied "Two months." Amiel W., Manhattan , NY

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"Robby colored with crayon on the carpet yesterday. I didn't even know he had a crayon. When I asked him why he did it, he said "I didn't have any paper." Leah P., Columbus, GA

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When asking my 3 year old niece if she is going to be a princess for Halloween, she responded "No, I am going to be a pumpkin.  I am a princess everyday." David L., New York, NY

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You never realize how many people are listening to your daughter sing until she does her rendition of the "Itchybitchy spider!" Rachel S., Atlanta, GA

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I think I need to stop playing the "sleeping game".  Last night I was trying to get my daughter to fall asleep, so we tried to see who could keep their eyes closed the longest.  Unfortuntely, I won.  The next thing I knew, it was time to go to work. Lindy H., Los Angeles, CA

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My three year old grandson put on his very first wrist watch. His excitement was palpable.  When I asked him what time it was, he responded:  "Time for a snack".  It is not the first time he has outsmarted me.  June T., Amarillo, TX

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Upon leaving Santa's lap at our local mall, my seven year old daughter turned to me and said "Well that was ackward now wasn't it?" Pam H. Phenix City, AL

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Favorite Recipes from Mrs. Meine's Kindergarten Class

 

Spice Cake

2 spices, 1 vinegar, 2 eggs, 1 milk- Mix it all up, cook it in the oven at 40 degrees for 50 hours. - David

 

Bacon

Get a napkin and put it the warming drawer.  Put 2 slices of bacon on the napkin.  Turn the warming drawer on to medium.  Leave it there 5 seconds. - Isabel

 

Frosted Mini Wheats

7 cups of cereal, 5 cups of milk- Put the cereal in the bowl first, then the milk.  Get a spoon and eat it! - Wylie

 

Omelets

Get 1 egg and 100 cheeses.  Cook it in a pan on the top of the stove for 1 minute. - Patrick

 

Pizza

Get some pizza out of the freezer in the laundry room or in the kitchen.  Put the cheese on the cheese and the pepperoni on the pepperoni.  Put them in the oven and bake about 30 minutes.  When they are ready, you eat them. - Susie

 

Fried Eggs

You need an egg and butter before the egg.  I think you melt the butter.  Crack the egg and put it in.  You have to flip it one time.  You cook it about 10 minutes. - Chloe

 

Grandma's Chocolate Cake

Half pack of flour, 2 eggs, cake mix- Mix it all together, cook it at 30 degrees for 10 minutes. - Miles

 

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Get cookie dough, pat it, put it in the oven and cook it about 10 minutes. - Ben

 

Chocolate Chip Cookies

You need flour, chocolate chips, more flour, sugar and dough.  Put it all in the oven at 40 degrees.  Bake them 8 minutes. - Brina

 

Sugar Cookies

A little bit of sugar, 1 egg, more sugar.  Stir it up. Put it on a pan and cook it at your house in the oven at 1 degree for about 3 seconds. - Cassady

 

Little Christmas Tree Cakes

Put eggs in, then a little bit of powder, a little bit of sugar, a bunch of flour.  Then cook it about 6 minutes at 8 degrees and spray it with Christmas tree icing. - Connor

 

Sugar Cookies

Sugar, maybe flour, more sugar.  Put it in the oven at 9 degrees.  Bake them about 8 hours. - Courtney

 

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Get some dough.  Put it in a cookie shape and cook it until it's cooked.  I think set the oven on full blast. - Dudley

 

Chocolate Cookies

7 eggs, 2 tomatoes, half of cookie dough (you get this at Publix), 9 pieces of vanilla chips.  Stir it all up and put it in a little cold oven for 7 minutes. - Jarrod

 

Chocolate Chip Brownies

Get 'em out of the package.  They are stuck together.  You have to unhook 'em.  Get a big enough pan.  Put 'em in the oven.  I don't know how many hours, but it takes a long time.  Take 'em out, let 'em cool and then you can eat 'em. - Jim

 

Chocolate Chip Cookies

3 chocolates, dough- Put it in a bowl, stir it up and put it in a pan.  Put it in the oven at 7 degrees for exactly 7 hours. - Jonathan

 

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

Get 1 piece of bread, spread some peanut butter on it, and spread some jelly on it.  Get another piece of bread and put it on top. -Lane

 

Chocolate Cake

1 pack of sugar sprinkles- Mix it all up, cook it in the oven for 2 hours. - Lucy

 

Pancakes

1 flour, 3 cups cinnamon, 4 cups of milk, 5 chocolate chips. Stir it all up.  Put it in the oven for 10 minutes at a hot temperature. -Maggie

 

Pizza Squares

Dough (you get it from a store), meat (with that red stuff in it), egg juice- Mix all that up, then get the juice, pour it on the meat.  Cook it in the stove on hot for about 75 minutes.  "I don't know how to cook it really.  I just know what they're called." - Mark

 

Pepperoni Pizza

Get pepperonis, get some cheese, put them on some crust and bake it or 20 hours at 40 degrees. - Mary

  

While walking my children into the Natural History Museum in Chicago, we were talking about all of the dinasaurs we would see.  Suddenly, my sweet little boy put his arm out in front of me to slow my progess and said:  "Don't worry Mommy, I will protect you from the dinasaurs."  It is great being a Mom!  Cindy B., Chicago IL

 

My sister was playing with my 19 month old son, Landon, when she burped.  My son pointed to her and said "Nana Urp!".  Now, anytime someone burps, he immediately looks for my sister and calls her name.  Colby H., Phenix City, AL --This is of course how nick names get started.  Hopefully, your sister will not be forever known as "Aunt Burpy"!--editor's note

 

My husband was on his fifth deployment in Iraq when my young son said "Mommy, let's surpise Daddy by having another baby here when he comes home."  To which I replied, "Honey, if we have another baby here when your Daddy comes home, he will definitely be surprised!"  Amanda H., Fort Benning Military Base

 

As a family, my children and I have laughed that their father's hand writing is sloppy and nearly impossible to read.  At my last parent-teacher conference with my son's fourth grade school teacher we were informed that when she reprimanded my son for his poor penmanship, his answer was:  "Teacher, I can't help it, it's genetic."  We had a long talk...  Lisa L., Columbus, GA

 

My sister has recently been blessed with a daughter, her first child.  Our mother flew to New York to help them in their small apartment for these first few weeks.  This led to the following email exchange:  My sister-- "I don't want her here anymore.  I can't take it."  My response--"Until she is 18, you have a legal and moral obligation to care for her."  My sister--"Ha! I'm not talking about her!  Oh pleezzzz."  Jon L. Columbus, GA

 

Driving home with my daughter and niece in the backseat, the following conversation took place:  "Oh know, my toy is broken."  My daughter responded: "Don't worry, we can use our imaginations."  To which my niece responded:  No we can't, my Daddy didn't buy me one."   Sharon S., New York, NY

 

I'm not sure you can print this, but here goes...My four year-old announced in front of all of our Thanksgiving guests:  "Mommy, my penis is thinking!"   Well, at least it's a start.  Taylor S., Peoria, IL

 

Get used to it, it is always Mom's fault.  Yesterday, my four year-old ran into the kitchen door jam.  He was not significantly hurt, but he was quite mad.  In his toddler language, he yelled in anger:  Mommy, why you put that there?"  Christine P., Columbus, OH

 

Yes, parenting can be a thankless job.  Even when you really expect a big "thank you".  Such was the case recently.  I took my family to Disney/MGM studios in Orlando.  Less than five minutes after we entered the park, my fourteen year-old exclaims:  "I wish we were in the Magic Kingdom".  I was at least proud of myself for not responding, and salvaging what turned-out to be a great family day.  Marc F., Seattle, WA

 

My little boy reminded me last night that there is a difference between book smart and street smart.  Before kissing him good night, I asked him: "How much is 7 plus 5?"  I could see the wheels turning.  I also saw that he was using his fingers to count.  Then, suddenly, when he realized he did not have enough fingers, he ripped back the covers of his bed so that he could see his toes.  Problem solved!  Leslie C., Dallas, TX

 

Going on vacation?  If so, you may find that your child is constantly asking you to buy things in various gift shops, airport stores, and resorts.  An answer of "no" commonly leads to intermittant meltdowns and family arguments at the vary time you are suppose to be relaxing.  A very effective solution to this problem is to give your child a "vacation account" at the beginning of each vacation.  For a weekend, I tell each of my children that they had $25.00 in their account and for a week, I give them $100.00 to spend.  Each time they ask if they can buy something, I tell them it is entirely up to them.  Almost always, they decide the object is not worth spending their own money.  Since I never have to say "no", their is never an argument.  My kids almost always come home with some money still in their vacation account.  When they do, we go to the bank together, and actually make a deposit in their real bank account.  Vacations have never been more enjoyable--Stork Medical

 

I took my little boy to the doctor because he had a spider bite on his inner thigh.  When the doctor asked to see it, my five year old responded:  "I'll show it to my Mommy, and she can tell you what it looks like."--Dawn S., Phoenix City, AL

 

Recently, I decided to quit my second job to spend more time with my family.  When my little boy asked me about it, I told him that soon I would indeed be around more, but that we would earn less money, so I wasn't certain it would be possible to make it a permanent change.  He responded, "If you are going to earn less money Daddy, I would just quit for two weeks and then go back to work."--Eddie J., Cleveland, OH

 

At her first soccor game, Julia, who is five, started as goalie.  When the ball was being dribbled toward her, I yelled for her to be ready.  In response, she laid down in front of the goal to block its entrance.  The great thing is, it worked!  Go Julia!!!!--Tanner S., Milwaukee, WI

 

My little boy is very bright.  After hitting the baseball off the tee, he ran straight to second.  When I asked him why he did that, he told me he would score faster!--Alan K., Manhattan, NY

 

My two year old niece, Elsie, was scooting around the living room table when I mentioned to my Father (Elsie's Grandfather), that her cheeks looked especially full.  My Father said she just had big beautiful cheeks.  For a moment, I let the topic drop.  Then, I noticed the jellybean jar on the table had the top off.  Sure enough, when I swept my finger in her mouth, I found that she was planning on a winter hybernation--jelly beans fell everywhere!  This little squirrel's cheeks are still beautiful, but only half as large.--Casey B., Hollywood, CA

 

My little boy is five years old and playing soccor.  They don't keep score in these games, but until the last game, I always told him that his team won.  In fact, in anything we played, I always told him that he won.  His most recent soccor game was remarkably exciting and well played by all.  It was strange to see everyone excited over a game played by five year olds.  Since he and his team mates did such a fine job, I thought it might be a good time to introduce the concept of  "losing".  At the end of the game, when he asked me if his team had won, I told him that they all did a fantastic job, but they actually lost by one goal. His response to me was "I will never play that team again!"  It wasn't quite the response I was hoping for, but I guess it is a start.--Terry T., El Paso, TX

 

Starting the day your baby is born, you wonder, "What will his first word be?"  Personally, we were hoping for Mama, Dada, Da, Ma, etc...something personal to give us confirmation that we are doing a good job as first time parents.  We waited and waited for our son's first words.  It finally happened, and guess what it was?  "Shoes!"  Just what does that say about Mom?--Catey S., Americus, GA

 

Weighing the risks and benefits--After passing-out one cookie to each child in my kindergarten class during snack time, there was one cookie remaining on the tray.  A bright and likealbe student asked if he could have the extra cookie.  When I told him "no", because it would be unfair to other students, he asked what would happen if he took the cookie anyway.  I told him that he would be sent to "time-out".  A moment later, I looked his way, and found him eatting the cookie in the time-out corner!--Mrs. B., Columbus, GA

 

Let me tell all of the parents out there to watch their language.  I was kissing my three year old daughter good-night after a dinner out with my husband.  She had just finished watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  In response to my question as to how she liked the movie she said:  "The movie was great, but the witch scared the hell out of me".--Martha M., Lexington, KY

 

My daughter was throwing a tantrum because she could not find her "clo".  Let me tell you, it can be very hard to calm a screaming little girl when you have no idea what a "clo" is.  After a while, I realized that a "clo" is a single piece of clothing.  I have only myself to blame as I sometimes tell her that I need to wipe her "no".  Well, at least she is working on grammer skills!--Allison V., Boston ,MA

 

Yes, teaching body parts can be helpful...my three year old daughter was telling me a secret. When I told her that I could not hear her, she pushed her mouth very hard into my eye.  It was then that I realized, that not only did my eye hurt, but also that my daughter thought that we hear with our eyes!-- Suzanne H., Los Angeles, CA

It was a constant battle to get my six year old son to let me brush his hair.  Then one day, his very smart older sister told him that she saw peas and potatos growing in his hair.  For some reason this was meaningful to him.  Now, without an arguement, he gets his hair brushed twice a day to keep the "garden" from growing.--Sophie B., Hollywood, CA

 

I am a kindergarten school teacher who recently had to give the sweetest and most pleasant little girl in my class a "red card" for using a foul word.  During the parent-teacher conference that occurred a short time later, the child's father walked in the room with his head hanging down and sheepishly said "Mrs. Spencer, the red card belongs to me, but I promise that I only speak to the dog that way."--Mrs. Spencer, San Diego, California

 

I am the happiest "bucket-head" father in the world.  My daughter, Gracie, is three years old and has a significant speech delay.  Until now, her only words were "Gracie Princess."  Today we were watching cartoons, when a character came on screen with a bucket on his head.  To be fun, I put a bag on my head.  Gracie gave a belly laugh and said "Gracie Princess, Daddy Bucket-Head".  She has been saying it all day long and I could not be more grateful.--Ryan B., Opelika, AL

 

Two weeks after my son was born, my oldest child graduated from high school (no, that's not the funny part).  Her graduation was the first time I put on "real" clothes and make-up since the delivery.  I was feeling pretty good about myself until my three year-old put her hands around my still rounded abdomen and reported indignantly,  Mommy, you have another baby in there!"  Apparently, she had decided one baby was enough and I decided to hold-off on the dresses for a while.--Ann M., Columbus, Georgia

 

If you have two children who are both old enough and weigh enough to be in the front seat, an easy way to avoid the constant bickering about who sits in the front seat is to assign one child odd days of the month and the other child even days of the month.  A simple solution to an age old problem.

 

One summer, when I was picking-up my son Bobby from a six week stay at camp, he was sad because it meant his summer vacation was nearly over.  When I told him that it went by quickly because he was having so much fun, he agreed and said:  "Mommy, your summer must have been very long and boring without me".--Margie G., South Bend, Indiana

 

As I was working on my outdoor fountain and lighting system, my son Leo came over and started to play with the on/off buttons.  After telling him not to touch the buttons, he resisted his temptation for a minute, and then pressed the buttons anyway.  After I yelled at him, he said:  "You know Daddy, you really should get a lock for that."  --Steve L., Encino, California

 

Is it time for a superhero party at your house?  If so, it can be lots of fun.  At this party, no one can dress-up as a known superhero.  Instead, it is a craft party where each child creates his/her own superhero outfit and superhero name.  "Super Sarah", "Starburst Sam", "InvisaBilly"...The opportunities are endless.  Have everyone bring a plain t-shirt.  Have lots of glitter, colored paper, ribbon, glue, etc.  The kids then can dress-up.  Ask each child to tell a story about their superhero and their superhero's upcoming mission.  Have a video camera ready!--Treza B-J., Atlanta, Georgia

 

My child decided that instead of washing his hair he would just add hair gel.  How long does this stage last?--Danielle S., Albany, Georgia

 

My eight year-old's only true chore is to bring the trash cans up the driveway on Mondays and Thursdays.  Last week, when I told him to bring the cans up, he got angry and asked: "Why do my days have to be the same days that the trashcans are out there!"--Danielle S., Albany, Georgia  

 

We have a very loving and active three-year-old boy.  He gives great hugs and kisses, but often comes in a little too fast and a little too hard.  The last words that I hear each night when my wife tucks him in are my wife yelling "Ouch!", and my son saying "Sorry Mommy".  If she did not have so many bruises on her forehead, it would be funny.  Actually, it's still funny. J.L., Columbus, Georgia

 

Recently, my son asked his father if he had been placed on the All-Star little league baseball team.  When he was told that he had not been picked, my son responded:  "How come, I'm the best one in the league".  Confidence is a good thing.--Kim D., Albany Georgia

 

Did you know that a teenager can use more than 250 text messages in a month?  Well, I didn't.  I gasped to see the bill for 1647 messages last month.  On to the unlimited plan... --Ed M., Cleveland, Ohio

 

If you need an hour of personal time, you may want to have "movie theatre" day.  I line up the car-seats of my three children in front of the TV, turn on a movie, and tell them that "in the theatre", everyone must stay in their seats and be quiet until intermission.  Ahhh...--Hannah G., Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

 

I think I am raising Tom Sawyer.  When I came home from work, I found my older son laying on the couch watching television, while his little brother was busy vacuuming the carpet.  Why?...because my older son told my younger son that vaccuming was "like driving a car--only big kids are allowed to do it and it is lots of fun!"  Once my younger son pleaded to do it, and gave my older son 75 cents, he was "allowed" to vacuum. Tory W., Columbus, Georgia

 

Who is in charge?  As a parent, I find myself asking that question over and over again.  I have a wonderful three-year old daughter who is fully potty-trained.  Yesterday, when I was trying to get her to put her clothes on, she got very mad, stared at me straight in the face, and while standing, urinated on the floor right in front of me.  She was punished, but I still ask myself...Who is in charge?--Alice S. Des Moines, Iowa

 

If you are having nightly arguments and irritation when trying to get your children ready for bed, make it into a fun contest. Either "race them" to see who can get ready for bed first, or set an egg timer each night so that they can see if they can set a new personal record...don't forget the awards ceremony when you tuck them in!--Sharon P., Albany, Georgia

 

Our daughter is such a diva that when I ask her, "Why does Mommy love you?", she quickly responds "Because I am a Big Girl Princess!"--Treza B-J., Atlanta, Georgia

 

My all too clever five-year-old son had taken a large box of "Cheez-Its" to his room.  When I asked him to bring the box back to the kicthen so that I could have some, he looked a little worried and replied "OK Mommy, but I ate all of the big pieces so that you wouldn't choke!"--Kae P., Ontario, California

 

If you catch your children having a pillow fight, don't get mad, join in.  Families that play together, stay together.--Stork Medical

 

My 1st son loved to hear stories about the day he was born and I truly enjoyed telling him.  Well, when he was 3 years old, he was diagnosed with an inoperable brainstem tumor.  We knew the road ahead was going to be very long so I tried to cherish each moment with him.  During those days of radiation and chemo, I would often lay on the couch with him and tell him the story of when he was born...I would tell him that as soon as he was born I told the doctor that it was so easy I could do it again and when I saw him for the first time I fell head-over-heels in love!  Because he ws born at 10:01pm I was really tired and sent him to the nursery so I could get some sleep.  Ten minutes later the nurse came back with him and said that he wanted his mommy!  So he spent the first night of his life sleeping in my arms and has been sleeping in my arms ever since.  I realize in hindsight that it was a true gift to have him sleep with me his whole life and laugh now at how people criticized us for letting him sleep in our bed every night.  Since his death, it is a special memory I will carry with me forever.

 

About 6 months after his diagnosis, my husband and I found-out that we were expecting another child.  We were so excited and could not wait to tell our son.  We showed him the picture of the ultrasound and told him that we were going to have a baby.  We then asked him if he wanted a boy baby or a girl baby.  He told us that he wanted "two babies"!  We tried to explain to him that he could only have one baby and tried to show him the ultrasound to explain that there was only one baby in the picture.  He insisted some more and carried the picture around for days.  Finally, he decided that he wanted a girl baby and we told him we would have to wait and see.  Three months later he passed away from the tumor.  One week later we found-out that we were having a girl!  But, that wasn't all...One year later we found-out that we were expecting again.  As I was looking at the ultrasound screen the nurse looks at me and says, "How would you feel about two babies?"  My little angel predictied it!!  We had twin boys nine months later!!--Treza B-J, Atlanta, GA

 

When asked by his Aunt Lisa if he knew his full name, three year old Bennett replied: "Bennett Wesley Pinkerton Come Over Here"--Chris P. Columbus, Ohio

 

Heidi Norman (5 year old) told his mother," Mom, I like all the superheroes...Superman, Spiderman, Batman, God...." He then added: "Did you know that God can get to Disney World in two steps?"--Margie N., Columbus, Georgia

 

My 3 year-old son David was having a fit, and was particularly mad at me. He said, with his arms crossed in front of his chest: "Daddy, I am not your maid!" I was puzzeled for a minute when he repeated it again: "Daddy, I am not your maid!" It then dawned on me that this is what my wife exclaims to him when she is frustated about his sloppiness. He apparently has had no idea what she was talking about, but instead thought it was a standard line to express anger!--Jon L., Columbus, Georgia

 

Our daughter, like many babies, does not like to be bundled-up. In fact, she is most content when the ceiling fan is blowing on her. Our house-keeper, who is also a mother and grandmother keeps turning it off. She believes it will make her sick. Because of this, I told her the fan actually blows the germs away, keeping our daughter healthier. This seemed to satisfy her until I confessed and told her that both were old wives tales. I should not have done it, now the fan stays off!--Samantha N., Paramus, New Jersey